On The Road to Honesty and Transparency

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Grief is a very personal and individual journey; there is no right or wrong way to experience it. I have been posting bits and pieces of my journey on social media. Many of the responses allude to my strength and positive attitude. Spoiler alert - I’m not that strong and my attitude isn’t that positive. What I’m about to share may bring some tears, so consider yourself warned.

My grief journey. losing my only child Sara, at the age of 29 is the most horrific, unimaginable thing I have ever had to endure. Being an only, we were extremely close. Even after she got married last year and moved to Albuquerque, we spoke or texted every day. 

She passed on January 1, 2025, and even 3+ months later it still seems unreal to me. I don’t understand this ‘new normal.’ The trajectory of my life has done a complete 180. I will never have grandchildren. I have no one to travel with, even as a third wheel. I am constantly looking for my purpose.

There are good “moments,” (never a full “good day”) but many more bad moments/days. When I am having a good moment, I share on social media. That’s what you see.

It’s when I wake up and don’t want to get out of bed to face the reality of my loss, or walk around my house aimlessly crying out to G_d, “Why?,” or wishing I didn’t exist anymore - those are the things I don’t post - and they happen almost daily.

I wanted to be honest with you, because you have been so incredibly supportive of me. I do read your comments, although I cannot respond to all of them. I want you to know they do bring me comfort. My sister Pam continues to be my lifeline. I don’t know what I would do without her. My “pack” give me a reason to get out of bed - I’ve never had four pets at once before, especially on my own! Taking care of my fur kids is like a full-time job, and the’s ok, because it is a loving distraction. 

I speak with Sara’s father, my 3rd ex, not the most recent one, several times a week (yes, I’ve been married and divorced 4 times - pretty much done traveling that road). We share this pain in a way nobody else can understand. 

I go to a grief counseling group called “Ian’s Place” once a week. I am incredibly grateful to Rebecca Wells, who started this group when her son Ian died and she could not find a grief group specifically for parents who lost a child. It is a comforting, welcoming place, filled with parents who like myself, belong to this horrifying, unbelievable club that no one should be a part of. Talking with parents who are several years out does help, by giving me advice on coping tools, and assuring me the pain will become more manageable, although it will never go away. 

As I continue to find my purpose on this grief journey, the one thing I did do, shortly after Sara’s passing, was start a memorial scholarship fund in her name through the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, Chicago/Midwest Chapter https://chicagoemmyonline.org/#sara-janz

Let me tell you a little bit about Sara. She was the most loving daughter a mother could ask for. She was by my side through every important event in my life, and of course I was by her side for hers. We made it through the pandemic, finding creative things to do during lockdown. 

We experienced so many things together, from traveling the world, to eight years of Girl Scouts, to my best theatre buddy, to her passion of photography, videography and editing. We made numerous videos together, from our holiday experiences to our travels to North Carolina to get my pup Lola! If you follow me on social media, you have seen her grow up and are more familiar with her life than I probably know.

Sara was a shy girl, but came into her own as a young woman. One experience that will always stay with me was during our last overseas trip to Ireland and Scotland in 2023. We were with a tour group and nobody else was from Chicago, so nobody knew me. When they saw Sara taking pictures with her professional equipment, the group was intrigued. They asked if she was a professional photographer and wanted to see her pictures. I backed away, and let her basque in the glory of being the accomplished Sara Janz, not Roz Varon’s daughter. I was never so proud to simply be Sara Janz’s Mom.

I miss her every day. The void in my heart and soul will never be filled. The heartbreak will stay with me for the rest of my life. I talk to her every day. I have a large picture of the two of us from my retirement celebration that sits in my bedroom, on my dresser. I kiss her forehead each night before I go to bed. 

I appreciate all of you for taking the time to read this. I know in my heart I am surrounded by love and support, but please understand, I am only able to function one day at a time, one moment at a time. I have still not been able to respond to all the cards and gifts from family and friends; it is too overwhelming. I have still not been able to go through all of Sara’s clothes and belongings; it is too heartbreaking, however, I do wear some of her clothes and I have been wearing her mezuzah necklace, her favorite piece of Judaica jewelry, since I received it. It sits close to my heart. 

I am trying to plan some events this spring and summer to raise funds for Sara’s memorial scholarship. I will post information when that comes to be.

In the meantime, be patient with me. Don’t ask “How are you doing?” Instead, say “Just checking in.” Don’t say “I can’t imagine how you feel and what you’re going through,” because unless you’ve lost a child, you can’t. Instead say “I am here for you.” I know everything you say and do is with kindness, love and good intentions, and I take it as such.

I would do anything to bring my daughter back, but since I can’t, I must learn how to move forward. Kate, in my grief group said something that will always stay with me. “Inch by inch is a cinch - yard by yard is hard.” 

Words I will be following.